Rae a la Mode!

The Emotionally Abused Man

(Just a follow up, since most websites offering information and help are geared towards female victims, including my previous post, which I edited for gender neutrality.)

Does your relationship with your girlfriend or wife leave you feeling bad about yourself? Do you frequently feel misunderstood, rejected, vilified and devalued in your relationship? Do you feel trapped or stuck? Do you believe it’s possible for men to be emotionally abused by women?

Believe it. It happens all the time. The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman. Society has yet to acknowledge the vast number of women who emotionally abuse men. In fact, the men who are being abused oftentimes don’t realize that their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior is abusive.

They use different terms to describe this behavior like nagging, bossy, difficult, strong-willed, tough, harsh, argumentative, “passionate,” or aggressive, which they always follow up with some excuse such as, “She had a really tough childhood. She was abused.” Lots of people have had less than ideal beginnings, but they don’t take it out on others in their adult relationships.

Men have been brainwashed into believing that it’s normal for women to be irrational, moody, emotional, and demanding. Most men accept these behaviors under the guise that a woman is ‘just expressing her feelings’ and men are uncomfortable with because ‘men aren’t good at expressing their feelings.’ This is ridiculous.  This behavior makes men uncomfortable, just as it would make most women on the receiving end of it uncomfortable because it’s abusive.

Men, you need to wake up and stop blinding yourself to the obvious. If you walk on eggshells around your partner because you’re afraid she’ll flip out on you for minor transgressions or simply because she’s in a bad mood, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If nothing you do, no matter how hard you try pleases her, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she regularly puts you down, criticizes or demeans you through name-calling and humiliation, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. If she shuts you out, gives you the cold shoulder or refuses to have sex with you in order to control your behavior, you’re experiencing emotional abuse. There’s no shame in admitting this. In fact, it’s your wife or girlfriend who ought to be ashamed.

Emotional abuse is like a cancer that eats away at your psyche until you’re left feeling powerless, worthless, anxious and/or depressed. Most of the time it happens so gradually that you don’t notice it. You explain away the first few tantrums, emotional outbursts and rage episodes. You take her criticisms to heart because you want to please her. You’d give anything for her to go back to the way she was during the honeymoon phase of your relationship when she was fun, sweet and loving and therein lies the problem.

She’s not abusive all the time. Sometimes she’s nice. Now and again, she’ll even make a grand loving gesture and you convince yourself that the relationship isn’t that bad. Abusive personality types frequently have a very charismatic and seductive side. If she was all bad all the time, you’d have never become involved with her, right? Their charming side is how they suck people in. Over time, the charm wears thin and their abusive traits dominate.

You can’t fix this. You can’t make her stop. You can’t make your relationship better. You can go to all the therapy sessions in the world and read all the How to Understand Women books on Amazon, but you won’t be able to change her behavior. Why?

First, it’s highly unlikely that your girlfriend or wife will see her behavior as abusive because “everything’s your fault” and, most importantly, her abusive behaviors are how she gets what she wants. It’s a learned and highly effective behavioral technique, which, even if she gains awareness about it, will be terribly difficult (if not impossible) for her to break. The goal of an abuser is control and the way they control you is through emotional abuse.

Don’t want to admit you’re being controlled or abused? Ok. Ask yourself the following questions:

-Are you spending more and more time at work because you don’t want to go home?

-Have you dropped out of touch with friends and family? When you communicate periodically, do you smile and tell them everything’s great as you feel the knot in your stomach tighten and the lump in your throat harden?

-Do you always feel like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?

-Have you withdrawn from life while retreating into alternate realities, e.g., books, films or the Internet?

-Are you experiencing feelings of shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem or emotional numbness?

-Are you experiencing physical symptoms like chronic stomach pain, nausea, headaches, digestive problems, insomnia or fatigue that your doctor can’t diagnose beyond “may be stress-related?”

-Are you drinking more or using recreational drugs more than you used to? Are you using them to escape from or numb yourself to the unhappiness of your situation?

-Do you feel unlovable? Like something’s “wrong” with you or that you’re “bad” or “crazy?” Do you worry that if you left your partner that no one else would want you?

-Do you experience symptoms of depression, including thoughts of suicide?

-Do you engage in risky behaviors in which your death would be considered “accidental” like reckless driving, riding your bike alone through rough terrain, going into dangerous neighborhoods,or walking into traffic without looking?

If you answered “yes” to more than one of these questions it’s highly likely that you’re suffering the effects of emotional abuse. Most often women (and men) with these traits either have Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder characteristics, if not full blown personality disorders. These psychiatric conditions are extremely difficult to treat. All three can be extremely emotionally abusive types who are incapable of feeling true empathy, which does not bode well for you.

You need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this or if you want a chance at real love and happiness. You should probably seek some form of formal support to:

1. Help resurrect your feelings of self-esteem and worth.
2. Understand why you were attracted to this woman in the first place so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship again.
3. Learn some behavioral techniques to deal and cope with these behaviors.
4. Help you decide if you want to end this relationship and, if so, support you through it.

(Source: shrink4men.wordpress.com)

Posted on: 1st June 2012 - 0 notesReblog

Abusive Relationships

I know I typically post more on happy things going on in my life, or random knick-knacks that make me smile, but today I wanted to bring up something more serious. This topic is a very sensitive one for me, as I myself as well as ones near and dear to me have suffered through abusive partners. In marriages, while dating, men and women both as perpetrators and as victims… Abuse is not acceptable in any circumstances.

This is all quoted from stoprelationshipabuse.org

Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try and control her/him.

If you are being abused by your partner, you may feel confused, afraid, angry and/or trapped. All of these emotions are normal responses to abuse. You may also blame yourself for what is happening. But no matter what others might say, you are never responsible for your partner’s abusive actions. Dating abuse is not caused by alcohol or drugs, stress, anger management, or provocation. It is always a choice to be abusive.

The following questions ask you about your relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, these are signs or “red flags” to assist people in identifying a potentially abusive person.

• Do you feel nervous around your partner?
• Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid your partner’s anger?
• Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex?
• Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?
• Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
• Is your partner always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do without your partner?
• Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
• Does your partner tell you that if you changed, he or she wouldn’t treat you like this?
• Does your partner’s jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
• Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?
• Has your partner ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
• Does your partner say, “I will kill myself if you break up with me” or “I will hurt/kill you if you break up with me”?
• Does your partner make excuses for the abusive behavior? For example: saying, “It’s because of alcohol or drugs,” or “I can’t control my temper,” or “I was just joking”?

The amount of examples for each is unfortunately staggering, but these are some I’ve encountered in my life or that loved ones have suffered:

• Degrading you in front of friends and family
• Telling hurtful “jokes” despite your requests to stop
• Taking your statements out of context
• Insulting
• Humiliation
• Criticizing
• Blaming
• Accusing
• Questioning your sanity
• Isolating you from family and friends
• Controlling what you do, who you talk to, and where you go
• Making threats against you
• Attacking your vulnerabilities, such as your language abilities, educational level, skills as a parent, religious and cultural beliefs, or physical appearance
• Playing mind games, such undercutting your sense of reality
• Ignoring your feelings
• Withholding approval or affection as punishment
• Always claiming to be right
• Using social networking sites, like Facebook and MySpace, to get information about you and to monitor who sends you messages and who your friends are
• Sending you repeated text messages
• Pushing
• Backing you into a corner
• Pinning you down
• Unwanted touching
• Forcing/Demanding sex
• Insisting on anything sexual that frightens or hurts you
• Refusing to use safe sex practices

Abuse can cause the following for a victim:

• A distrust of their spontaneity 
• A loss of enthusiasm 
• An uncertainty about how they are coming across 
• A concern that something is wrong with them
• An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong 
• A loss of self-confidence 
• A growing self doubt 
• An internalized “critical voice” 
• A concern that they aren’t happier and ought to be 
• An anxiety or fear of being crazy 
• A sense that time is passing and she’s missing something 
• A desire not to be the way they are- “too sensitive,” etc 
• A hesitancy to accept their perceptions 
• A reluctance to come to conclusions 
• A desire to escape or run away 
• A tendency to live in the future, e.g. “everything will be great when/after…” 
• A distrust of future relationships

As with other kinds of abuse, WE CANNOT BLAME THE VICTIM. It’s tempting to say, “Well, just leave them!” It’s not that simple. There are complicated, trapping feelings involved. It’s terrifying. Here’s how you can help a friend in need:

• Know the facts about relationship abuse.
• Give assurance that you believe your friend’s story.
• Listen and let her share her feelings.
• Do not judge or give advice.  Talk about available options and resources.
• Physical safety is the first priority.  If you believe a friend is in danger, voice that concern.  Help create a safety plan.
• Respect your friend’s right to confidentiality.
• Say that you care and want to help.
• Don’t be upset if your friend doesn’t react the way you think she should. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. People who are being controlled by their partner’s behavior must consider many factors before coming to a conclusion about how to access safety. Let her make her own decisions and support her throughout the process.
• Give clear messages, including:

1. Your actions do not cause the abuse.
2. You are not to blame for your partner’s behavior.
3. You cannot change her partner’s behavior.
4. Apologies and promises are a form of manipulation.
5. You are not alone.
6. Abuse is not loss of control; it is a means of control.

• It is helpful to provide support to survivors.  However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for them to hear:

1. Don’t tell them what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
2. Don’t tell them to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
3. Don’t rescue them by trying to find quick solutions.
4. Don’t suggest you try to talk to the abusive partner to straighten things out.
5. Don’t place yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.
6. Don’t tell them they should stay for the sake of the children.
7. Never recommend couples counseling in situations of emotional or physical abuse.  It is dangerous for the victim and will not lead to a resolution. 
8. Encourage separate counseling for the individuals, if they want counseling.

Posted on: 1st June 2012 - 1 noteReblog

Things I Love About Summer

Summer is actually my least favorite season, but I am determined to find awesome things where I can! Hence, list!

• Swimming! Possibly with the return of the underwater speaker! PONY MUSIC AND NEW OWL CITY UNDERWATER!!
• The return of the Glee Project!! Wooooo!! Dee and Ms. Lauren, get ready!! ^_^
• Smoothies!! Yum!!
• DRESSES AND NOT FREEZING IN THEM!
• Mermaid Parade!!
• Catching up on inside activities like shows and stuff! (I don’t go outside too much in summer. Several reasons for that.)
• So sunny for so long!
• My birthday’s coming up!
• Already a huge list of amazing summer movies!!
• Getting to see Vee and Alisa more often!
• Day trips to the boardwalk! I WILL SPEND THESE COLLECTED THIS POINTS THIS SUMMER! I SWEAR IT!
• Bubblegum fudge!
• Chill out tunes like Jack Johnson

Actually, I feel like I should make a list of inside-y things that I can do…

Posted on: 30th May 2012 - 0 notesReblog

you know them moments when you look in the mirror and you think holy shit that’s me  because for some reason it feels like the person you’re looking at in the mirror is an unfamiliar stranger and you begin thinking about how you’re a person on a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a universe and for a few minutes you ponder the origin and the meaning of existence and then shrug and return to your computer

(Source: liripot, via surroundedbyrabbits)

Posted on: 30th May 2012 - 45,320 notesReblog

Deb’s Amazing Birthday Weekend!!

Day 1

After some last minute arrangements, Deb decided that we should have a Prom Night Redux for her birthday. I was really super excited! Two of my favorite occasions of previous summers combined into one night! Woooo!!

Unfortunately I realized my beautiful mermaid dress was quite stained, so I wore my junior prom dress instead, which was a black, sparkly dress I borrowed from my mother.

PW and I watched an Adventure Time marathon whilst packing. He’s more caught up on it than I am! HE HAS BEEN CONVERTED TO ENFP-ISM aka HAPPY, MINDLESSLY FUN CHAOS!! MWUHAHAHAHA!! Him saying “Oh my glob” became the weekend meme.

The lot of us (Dee, Mermy, PW, Tiffy, Shaina, and myself) stopped for groceries, since we didn’t want to order room service once we got to AC. Brie, turkey, and fresh bread seem to be staples in our diets now, haha! We also found Jones cream soda, chocolate birthday cake oreos, garlic breadsticks, and marshmallow topping. Oh yeah.

We all decided to bring our prom outfits and change there, so once we checked into our hotel, we started getting ready. As soon as we were all set, however, Deb’s dad called up and told us to come down to the bar. He also said we had to change back into normal clothes. Skoosh. Begrudgingly we all adjusted our attire and went down to meet her parents. He bought us a round of drinks, and we all drank to Deb’s birthday! I got a midori sour, and boy was that thing sour. Geez. Her dad also kept making us laugh by continuously clinking each person’s glass, round the table, multiple times.

So once we went back upstairs and re-changed (Deb explaining that we already bought our own drinks), Deb opened her gifts. I got her Pride and Prejudice as well as a documentary called “Waking Sleeping Beauty”. Tiff got her this adorable purse that used the cover of a Peter Pan storybook as the body. Lovely~! There were also a few rounds of photos. Deb surrounded herself with dreamy sheets and looked all princessy.

Finally, we commenced drinking and eating. As usual, brie is godly, as is turkey and provolone on fresh bread. We bought some other kind of fancy cheese that I warned was probably the famously odorous one, and it turned out to be true. That stuff was rank. No wonder so many Looney Tunes cartoons spoofed it. The whipped cream vodka tasted okay, but ended up being a little too overpowering in terms of taste. Tasted pretty decent with the cream soda.

So what do we do on a Prom Night? WE PLAY DRUNKEN CATCHPHRASE! Honestly I can’t even make any jokes about it because I barely remember, haha. I wasn’t far gone, especially not at that point, but I was incredibly exhausted. I do remember that PW and I won.

At one point we all decided to pile into the huge jacuzzi and take a picture. I adore this picture. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. >w<

I think I fell asleep soon after that…

Day 2

We took our grand old time getting up, but when we finally did, we joined Deb’s family again at a buffet. We tried a whole bunch of different desserts, but the best turned out to be this incredibly fluffy and delicious cheesecake. Mmmm…

Just like last year, we ventured out into the outlets for some adventures. The shopping center was swamped with people, though, so it took a lot of time to get around in the stores, and people were just a little pushy. There was much maneuver around with that parasol! We didn’t get a chance to get to Toys R Us or the Disney Store, and Starbucks was too crowded for our usual chai iced latte. However, we did go to the leather store, where PW got some leather gloves appropriate for his re-entry into medieval fighting (WOO), and he bought me this beautiful iridescent moon-colored nail polish as my first birthday gift. The ladies also got various clothing items for themselves, most notably Deb’s incredibly happy yellow flats.

When we finally made it back to the room, we decided to make use of the jacuzzi in the downtime. PW and I brought suits so we actually sat in the hot water, but the rest of the ladies put their feet in to heal them from the shopping chaos. I always forget how much I love baths (especially big ones) because we don’t really have one at my house. That is, we do, but even I barely fit in it, and I’m a smallish person. It was sooooo relaxing. My whole body felt better, especially my feet.

When we got the call, the lot of us got dolled up again, but not as super-formal as the night before. I have to mention that PW WAS FINUCKING DAPPER AS ALL HECK. Oh my god. I couldn’t even take it. I kept staring at him the whole time, haha. He already looked so handsome in his black outfit, but he decided to wear his tuxedo jacket again, and hot damn. The man is fucking handsome. The ladies all looked beautiful too, of course. I especially remember Deb’s red lipstick and Shaina’s perfectly styled hair.

I was so happy that we go to eat at a noodle restaurant, because, in my opinion, the East/South East Asian restaurants in AC are some of the best. I got a simple chicken ho fun, which uses a different noodle than chow fun, and oh my gosh it was DELICIOUS. I don’t think I even spoke for most of the meal because it tasted so damn good. I felt bad when I couldn’t eat it all, but it was just too much food. I’m salivating just remembering it.

The last time we went to this bar, I was a bit reserved because it was some sort of go-go dance club. There were sexy ladies being sexy, which is all fine and good, but was a bit odd for our audience. This time, however, there was a band covering tons of 90’s and classic rock songs, and they were AWESOME. Even just waiting to get into the restaurant (right next door) and eating, I kept dancing in place and singing along. I was really happy when we went inside. We ordered our first round of drinks, and started dancing and singing.

I actually love to dance, but am very bad at it. I’ll basically just shuffle, head bob, and maybe raise my arms sometimes. Still, I love when I get the chance to go dancing with my friends, and besides a lovely old couple, we were pretty much the only ones on the floor. Even when the band stopped and the club music came on, kept on dancing.

I was a little sad because at one point Thriller came on. I’m not going to lie, I’d been waiting for a moment like that forever. I know the whole Thriller dance; my friend Allison and I learned it for the Thrill the World competition. I’ve always wanted a chance to bust it out in a public place, and be like, YEEEEEEEEEAH I KNOW THIS DANCE. Apparently too much time had lapsed, though, because I started doing the part I knew and then completely forgot the rest. And then I was a little humiliated hahahahahaha. This was maybe one of the biggest dork moves I ever pulled. It was too funny to be upset, though, especially with Deb laughing her ass off. MY SILLINESS BROUGHT JOY!

When we were too tired and tipsy to remain, we ended up back upstairs for more jacuzzi time, since our feet hurt again, haha. We also decided it was snack time, although that ended up a not-so-great idea. I loved chatting it up with the ladies, though.

I guess times like this, I do my best to write about and “record” because I’m always aware of the potential ticking clock. Now that we’re all at a point where we need better, full time jobs, I’m not sure how often we’ll get to do things like this. Things may change. Therefore, while we’re together, I want to treasure every precious moment I have with my dearest friends. 

Posted on: 27th May 2012 - 0 notesReblog

metallikato:

_{I see a little silhouetto of a man}

Scara^MOUCHE scara^MOUCHE 

Will you do the fan^dango?

ＴＨＵＮＤＥＲＢＯＬＴＳ　ＡＮＤ　ＬＩＧＨＴＮＩＮＧ

ＶＥＲＹ　ＶＥＲＹ　ＦＲＩＧＨＴＥＮＩＮＧ　

Me!

^Galileo,_Galileo

^Galileo,_Galileo 

Galileo, Figaro

magnificoo^oooooo_ooo~ 

(via surroundedbyrabbits)

Posted on: 26th May 2012 - 47,290 notesReblog